Pushers, Sleepers, and Gropers

The Famous Bullet Train

The train is essential for travel in Tokyo. Here are some tips that can make it a more pleasant experience.

Tip A: Don't take the train when it is crowded.

OK, let's get real, the train is always crowded.

Tip B: Beware of Pushers, Sleepers, & Gropers


1. PUSHERS are the people whose are hired to squash more people into the train. The train is properly packed if (a) You cannot read a book because you can't turn the pages (b) You cannot itch your itchy place (c) You can sleep standing up.

2. SLEEPERS are everywhere on the trains. There is even a book about how to assess the seated Sleepers on the train - so that you can be in position to nab their seat when they reach their stop.

Some of the book's general guidelines are:
(1) If the head is down and they are drooling, they are not near their stop.
(2) If the head is back with open mouth, they are not near their stop.
(3) If they are looking straight ahead with eyes closed, they could be getting close.
(4) If they begin to straighten their hair, they are very close.
(5) If they begin text messaging after sleeping, they are very close.
(6) If you can, listen to their conversations - maybe they will mention their stop.

Once you have found a potential "Seat-Leaver" stand very close to the person but position yourself in a place that does not block their exit. At the same time, position yourself to block other "Seat-Grabbers" who want to get to the seat before you. Move quickly as they stand up to further block the seat.

Sometimes SLEEPERS don't wake up till the end of the train line - either because they are sound asleep or because they are drunk. If it is late at night, the only way home is by taxi and that can be very expensive. To accomodate these wandering carousers, the Japanese have come up with pay-by-the-hour "Capsule Hotels." Imagine a giant Tylenol PM capsule. Now imagine crawling inside of it. I have been assured that they are very clean and comfortable. Somehow though, when I think of people sleeping in capsules, I am reminded of very cheesy Sci-Fi movies with the Queen Bee waiting for the lavae to hatch from the hive.

3. Last, but not least, are the GROPERS. The trains can be so packed that it is very easy to "accidentally" grope unmentionable body parts of fellow passengers. This phenomena has gotten so out of hand (no pun intended) that, during rush hour, there are separate train cars available for women only. The men like this as much as the women because, unfortunately, there are unscrupulous people who are in need of a little extra cash. It takes several people to set up this scam. First, the young woman yells "wolf." Then her companions back up her accusations and threaten to turn the so-called Grouper in - unless he pays them for their silence. You get the picture...To combat this, you will see men traveling with their hands up or crossed over their chests - and all this time I thought it was some esoteric Eastern meditation pose....